An eye opening moment.

I am officially shocked. Shocked to my core and rather disturbed by what I have just seen. I'm on route home from work, having to detour to the bank and stumbling upon the fact that I had left my house keys at home, anyways I come out the tube station thinking uber lazy I cant be asked walking. I wait for the bus to go yes 2 stops to the bank........ I am also heading that way to meet hubby to collect keys so I can get in the house.

Stood waiting at the bus stop minding my own business, I am doing the people watching thing, you know where you take in everything around you, mulling over my day and how relatively bad its been! I notice on the other side of the road 2 girls and a guy. All clearly intoxicated (I know this cause they cant walk in a straight line). Thought to myself wow bit early to be drunk, but knowing that they are clearly avid drinkers I didn't think anymore of it.

That was until, I deposit my cheque into the bank and walk across the road to Tesco whilst I am waiting for hubby to come with keys. I turned round to see the 2 girls that I had seen previously (the drunk ones) walking up the road. Now no sign of the bloke at this point I also notice one of the girls is loading up her pockets with whatever she could fit and then the other who now had her hood up, loading up her bag with alcohol. Who am I to judged yes I turned a blind eye. They are not stealing from me after all, but bearing in mind I really don't want to get involved with 2 drunk girls who clearly know what they want/need and look like they would do anything to get it. as I stepped back the girl with the hood, was right behind me. Yes I bumped into her, I was just about to apologise to looked at me. It was then I realised I actually knew this girl!

The words F*ck me entered my head! I grew up with this girl. I went to school with her, hung around with her, we were friends. Dee (changing the name) I said slowly she stepped back. She looked at me confused, I said hi its me Nikki. Her face screwed up and she didn't have a clue who I was. I don't know if its because I have changed or just that she was so intoxicated that she just didn't know the weekday let alone who I was. Dee looking rather old, rather drunk and slurring her words. I remember hearing she had babies, she had a husband, nice home ok maybe a while back, but this girl looks like she needs help. I asked the usual, the polite stuff asked her how she was, about her kids, she told me she had 2 kids, boy and girl 6 and 3 that her mum was minding them. She asked me what I was doing, where I was going etc. Doing the chit chat thing, I was actually uncomfortable. I seen her Facebook photos she looked happy, content. Now I see a broken person who needs help and fast. She is a year older than me, we used to hang around all the time. I lost contact with her after we left school. We are friends on Facebook, but that's as far as it goes now. I can understand why.

I am hard to shock, but I am lost for words, My friend Dee. Jesus it brings tears to my eyes thinking that her 2 children are missing out on their mum, because she is an alcoholic. Call me rude for assuming, but I have lived with an alcoholic and you can tell (trust me) same way you can tell someone who takes drugs. Is this really her life. I saw her a year or so ago. Don't get me wrong she was drunk when I saw her then, but didn't look like an alcoholic then, she looked like someone who had been in the pub, being a sunny afternoon in summer. Nothing wrong with that! but now I know maybe there was.

Where are her parents? Her sister? Her friends? Her husband? Is she all alone now?

My dad was an alcoholic, I lived with that for many years of my life until I realised I didn't want my unborn child to see the effects of alcohol, the damage and pain. My child wasn't going to be part of 'that' life. He didn't need to see the damage caused, the fights arguments and the effect this poison has on people. I rarely drink now, I maybe drink once a year. But that doesn't mean I condemn those that like a glass of wine in the evening, because that's every ones personal choice, as is smoking, drug taking or whatever they choose to chill.

What I am wondering is, alcoholism doesn't just happen over night, it comes in stages right? For instance my dad always drank, but didn't wake up one day and become an alcoholic. Its not instant, I'm guessing it is a progressive thing. Like you start with one bottle of wine an evening, then goes to two and it moves on from there. Like my dads alcoholism wasn't a bottle of whiskey a night it started with just one in the evening, then when I left it could have been maybe 2 bottles a night.

For what I believe to be a progressive addiction, someone close to this girl must have seen what was happening, someone somewhere must have noticed a change. Maybe they did, maybe they tried to help? The first rule I know is that the person who has a problem such as this, has to admit they have a problem and can only seek help when they want to and not when others push them to do it. I'm actually really upset seeing her in this way. Its just sad to think she is 32 years old and she looks awful. She has clearly become very dependant on alcohol and I wonder if I will see the sad news that alcohol has killed her, or that she will over come this. Of course I'm hoping as an old friend, she will conquer this and come out the other side, but I am not sure. I hope her children get their mum back.

Looking at Dee today, it sure has made me grateful of the path I chose. I am grateful for everything I have. I may not have all my immediate family cheering me on, but I've not done bad. My child has his mum, his dad and all the family he needs. I feel sad for her and her family.  :(

I am wishing Dee the best of luck. I hope for her sake and her children she will turn her life around. I hope she finds the courage and fight which I know she has to get better.

Helpful Contacts if you have a problem or know anyone who does.
 
The Samaritans

alcoholics-anonymous

Frank (Drugs advise)

When life gives you…….

 

Lemons what do you do? Make lemonade and serve in a tall glass, right? But what if life gives you lemons constant, for say months and months and months? Then what, I for one would get sick of making lemonade!

 

Where I am going with this?

 

Who knows, I do however know that the last 6 months of my life, really haven’t gone to plan! I know I am my maker and to be happy I need to move on and change things! But what if you cant, constant knock backs seem to be coming thick and fast and your physically sick of dragging yourself off the floor and dusting yourself off! then what? Reassurances seem to fall on deaf ears. The constant ‘It will be ok’ are hard to sink in when you have been hearing it for so long! And the people saying this eventually give up and send you ‘self help books’ – I kid you not!

 

This seems to have all started taking an effect, since I was moved to the new office, I still very much dislike it. Im still finding my feet and yes I should be grateful I have a job and I am, but I keep getting this pang of fear thinking this is it for me! I was thinking of studying, but I feel im not good enough, I feel to be a rebel and say all the built up anger and tell those people who have hurt me, exactly what I think! Unfortunately you and I both no that telling people what you think, when your down achieves nothing. It stands for nothing and people will know the reason your doing it is to make someone feel as Shit as you do!

 

Will I continue to be cursed (ok maybe an exaggeration) but you know what I mean! I have so many ups and downs, More downs than ups to be honest, that I would like life to take a turn for the better now! Dreams to become reality, the bad stuff to go and leave me alone! Just for a bit! Or for long enough to take my bruised and battered confidence, give it a hug mend it and give me some time to care for said confidence to make it easier to cope for the next run of bad stuff to happen!

 

So what am I asking? Again I have no idea! I feel like the world owes me a favour, like I have been dealt a really unfair hand, but its not shifting!

 

Those who said bad luck comes in threes! YOU LIED! In my case bad luck is …… Just…….. On going!

 

I can focus on happier times, my little family, my boys have and are continuing to attempt to make me feel better!

 

As I sit looking round an office, full of people who don’t know me. people who I cant be myself around I wonder……. Is this really it?

 

Will anything change? Will I continue to feel uber crap every day? Or will it lift? Will all my dreams and pondering thoughts ever making out of my head and into planning action!

 

Right now I nod a yes……. but actually I don’t think they will!

 

Do I need to rethink life and find a different path?

 

How do you pick yourself, when your confidence has been battered and bruised so badly that you want to just sit and cry. Sit curled up in a ball, wanting nothing more than to just be happy!? It pains me to say it, but I do think you need confidence and happiness to make bad times good. Both of which I don't have and I fear I may not get it back to move forward and be happy!

 

This is not an attention seeking post, more somewhere to just put out there exactly what's going on in my head. Explosions of unhappiness, confusion and fear!

 

Sounds simple when its out.... but its not! Its not fun feeling so down that your on edge to the point of wanting to cry, taking every negative comment, like a slap in the face and feeling like your not good at anything. That everyone is bored of listening to you moaning, when all you want is to say the above without being judged, with out appearing to be selfish and honestly just to be able to say all this crap out loud.

 

I used to be able to smile and take everything with a pinch of salt. Now well I cant. I have barely any tears left :(