Lemons what do you do? Make lemonade and serve in a tall glass, right? But what if life gives you lemons constant, for say months and months and months? Then what, I for one would get sick of making lemonade!
Where I am going with this?
Who knows, I do however know that the last 6 months of my life, really haven’t gone to plan! I know I am my maker and to be happy I need to move on and change things! But what if you cant, constant knock backs seem to be coming thick and fast and your physically sick of dragging yourself off the floor and dusting yourself off! then what? Reassurances seem to fall on deaf ears. The constant ‘It will be ok’ are hard to sink in when you have been hearing it for so long! And the people saying this eventually give up and send you ‘self help books’ – I kid you not!
This seems to have all started taking an effect, since I was moved to the new office, I still very much dislike it. Im still finding my feet and yes I should be grateful I have a job and I am, but I keep getting this pang of fear thinking this is it for me! I was thinking of studying, but I feel im not good enough, I feel to be a rebel and say all the built up anger and tell those people who have hurt me, exactly what I think! Unfortunately you and I both no that telling people what you think, when your down achieves nothing. It stands for nothing and people will know the reason your doing it is to make someone feel as Shit as you do!
Will I continue to be cursed (ok maybe an exaggeration) but you know what I mean! I have so many ups and downs, More downs than ups to be honest, that I would like life to take a turn for the better now! Dreams to become reality, the bad stuff to go and leave me alone! Just for a bit! Or for long enough to take my bruised and battered confidence, give it a hug mend it and give me some time to care for said confidence to make it easier to cope for the next run of bad stuff to happen!
So what am I asking? Again I have no idea! I feel like the world owes me a favour, like I have been dealt a really unfair hand, but its not shifting!
Those who said bad luck comes in threes! YOU LIED! In my case bad luck is …… Just…….. On going!
I can focus on happier times, my little family, my boys have and are continuing to attempt to make me feel better!
As I sit looking round an office, full of people who don’t know me. people who I cant be myself around I wonder……. Is this really it?
Will anything change? Will I continue to feel uber crap every day? Or will it lift? Will all my dreams and pondering thoughts ever making out of my head and into planning action!
Right now I nod a yes……. but actually I don’t think they will!
Do I need to rethink life and find a different path?
How do you pick yourself, when your confidence has been battered and bruised so badly that you want to just sit and cry. Sit curled up in a ball, wanting nothing more than to just be happy!? It pains me to say it, but I do think you need confidence and happiness to make bad times good. Both of which I don't have and I fear I may not get it back to move forward and be happy!
This is not an attention seeking post, more somewhere to just put out there exactly what's going on in my head. Explosions of unhappiness, confusion and fear!
Sounds simple when its out.... but its not! Its not fun feeling so down that your on edge to the point of wanting to cry, taking every negative comment, like a slap in the face and feeling like your not good at anything. That everyone is bored of listening to you moaning, when all you want is to say the above without being judged, with out appearing to be selfish and honestly just to be able to say all this crap out loud.
I used to be able to smile and take everything with a pinch of salt. Now well I cant. I have barely any tears left :(
No comments:
Post a Comment